The Earring/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, camping's come a long way since bernice first threw me out of the house. Nowadays, they've got these fancy fold-up, hard-top units that are kind of like a house except smaller, made out of canvas and they do about 70 m.P.H. But by golly, that's a lot of money to spend to go away for the weekend and still find out you got a guy like me in the next campsite. But as usual, I've got a better idea. Take one of the vehicles out of your personal automotive parts department that you keep behind the house drop the engine out of her and convert it into a hardtop camper. Alls you need is some camping gear, a couple of old tents and a little imagination. The netting keeps the mosquitoes away, and the hood protects the cook from the flying beer bottles that are are so much a part of any camping experience. And look how much extra space you get when you remount the doors using the handyman's secret hinge. [ laughter and applause ] there's your main living area. That's your boudoir. The only real work you have to do to set up the unit is to dig a hole under the trunk -- or I should say, a powder room. [ laughter and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate it. Well, today is the big fishing trip for the lodge. The last one we went on was nine years ago. Just a bunch of lodge members out in the wilderness doing whatever the heck we want. That's why we leave the nine-year gap so the statute of limitations will kick in. Uncle red! Uncle red, are you here? Uncle red! It's all right. Easy. Easy. Harold. Harold. Harold. Uncle red! Harold, just follow the bread crumbs. Bread crumbs? There you go. Okay. Can you please help me off with this backpack? Oh, sure, yeah. Boy, it's a big one. Thank you. Yeah, hey, dalton. Hey, red. Geez. We had a french poodle that used to do that to the wife's laundry. We had to have him neutered. I think the same thing here would work. Winston: Let's go fishin', boys! [ applause ] I'm all packed up. Got everything in the waders. I got my fishing gear, I've got the hatchet, a clean shirt, dip net, folding oar. I even stopped by a phone booth to pick up some toilet paper. What? What's wrong? Did I say something wrong? Red: Uh, no, we're a little hard of earring -- uh, hearing. A little hard of hearing, that's all. It's just, uh -- maybe you should go pack, winston. I just told ya, I'm already packed. Geez, I'll see you guys down at the dock. Holy smokes! What? Winston's wearing an earring! Yeah, I don't think I wanna share a tent with him. It's just an earring. Dalton: Funny he never married, huh? Red: Yeah, and he's always wearing those rubber pants. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today, mike hamar will be playing for a free meal from honkin' joe's café, recently reopened by the possum lake health department. Come try honkin' joe's all you can eat buffet, now with sneeze guard! Okay, cover your ears there, mike. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get mike hamar to say this word... Whoo-hoo, parté! All right, winston. And... Go! Okay, mike, um, on your 18th birthday, what did your parents throw you? Out of the house. No, okay, okay. Uh, what do you call it when your friends have a get-together in your honour? An intervention? No, okay. Okay, if you have a wedding in your family, what do you call those people who are standing next to the bride and groom? Their children? Okay. Okay. This is a line that people sometimes get on their phone... Oh! "what are you wearing?" almost out of time here, red. Yeah, boy, gee, I dunno, mike. We may have to cheat on this one. Oh, no, mr. Green. That's something I could never be a party to. There we go! Announcer: Moose thompson of possum lake calls it... Flinty mcclintock says... And that weird lady who lives in the shed at the edge of town, with all the birds, says... The critics agree: If you get your septics pumped only once this year... You're pressing your luck. You know, as a handyman, I get asked a lot of the big questions in life... "what does it all mean?" "why are we here?" "why are you here? "no, really, sir, why are you here? "you're not on the guest list." and of course the classic one... "why is there only beef jerky? "couldn't some creative freethinker come up with a little variety?" well, yes, I can. So today on handyman corner, I'm gonna show you how to make... Turkey jerky. First thing you wanna do is dry the bird -- not the way your grandmother does it, by roasting it in a 400° oven for the entire 12 days of christmas. No, no, that's not the way the creative freethinker does it. Okay, the next step in the process is to salt the meat. Oh, sure, I could have just added salt to the dryer cycle, but where's the fun in that? The last step we need to make our turkey jerky is to compress the dry, salted meat. Now, I'm sure they sell machines made especially for doing that, but I prefer to use this room divider that bernice bought to stop me from watching t.V. While we're eating dinner. The big question is: How much pressure is it going to take to flatten this baby? I'm guessing somewhere around 60 pounds. Exactly 60 pounds. And it's just that easy. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ cheers and applause ] yesterday I ran into an old friend of mine I haven't seen in years. I asked him how he was doin', and he said, everything's great. His family's great; his health his great; his job is great. Well, great, great, great! Oh, sure, I mean, I'm happy he's alive, and I probably don't mean him any real harm, but you know, the bottom line is most men don't wanna hear everything's great. You know, the phrase "everything's great" is an instant conversation ender. Just like the phrase: "I'm a police officer." I mean, you know, when somebody says, "everything's great," well, the only answer you can give 'em is, "great." then force a smile like liza minnelli on her wedding night. You know, what I wanna hear, I want the guy to say, well, everything's okay. You know, his boss is on his case, his wife is on sabbatical, and maybe his car is on fire or something, and his daughter just had her navel pierced, which is not so bad, except that his daughter's name used to be frank. Well, now you're talkin', you know, 'cause that stuff just opens the door. Now I can tell him everything that's wrong with my life. And before you know it, we're exchanging a few laughs and a little bit of advice, and then we both go away feeling better about ourselves because we're thinking the other guy's got it worse off than I do. So it's like that old saying... If you haven't got anything nice to say, great! Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] I'm not just the president of rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services, I'm also a client. [ laughter and applause ] okay, uncle red. This is the last of my luggage. Are you sure this fishing trip's only gonna last five days? Oh, yeah. Five days maximum. I gotta be back -- okay, okay. All right. Very funny! Now, what is this supposed to accomplish? It's just an earring, harold. We just wanna show winston how weird an earring makes him look. I mean, this is an act of love. Uh, he just means man love -- I mean, friendly man love! No, not th-that friendly. Hey, I've got an idea. Let's show winston how silly he looks. Look, I got lipstick. Oh, great. You know, uncle red, if you're uncomfortable around winston, as someone who is afraid and insecure may well be, why don't you just be up front and talk to him? Talk to him, harold? Oh, geez, I don't know about that. No, I think it'd be awful hard for us to talk to him about it. Yeah, I'd feel uncomfortable. It'd be awkward for sure. Winston: Hey, red, can you do me a favour? I don't wanna pack these good lures in my pan -- you could put 'em in here. I sure hope you boys have been drinkin'. Well, I think winston got the message. Did you see him? Was his face red! Red: I was out behind the lodge with sparky there, just throwin' a stick. He likes that. He likes just grabbin' a stick, and he's very exuberant. He's very focussed, a very focussed dog. He loves that stick. And walter come along, and he had some sticks of dynamite. I didn't know quite what was going on. I thought this is probably not a good time to be playing with the dog, so I just threw that -- I figured sparky would just go in there and just stay in the dog -- but he actually got the stick and brought it over to me. But the whole thing was walter wanted to remove a stump there, and, uh, dynamite seemed like the quickest, easiest way. Sparky -- no, sparky, this is not a good time. Away you go. Away you go. No, no, no. Nope. Nope. Nope. Away you go. Okay, so walter grabs a stick there, and he's gonna stick it in behind -- I think it's probably safer to get all the rest they dynamite out of the way. And, uh, I guess he'll wire it all up, and I'll go back and set the -- I see -- oh, yeah, you got the plunger. He seems to have her all set up. I'm sure he's just about done there. Just tighten the wires up and get this thing underway. Just stick her in there. Hook her up to the wires. And then, okay, and away we go. [ hissing sound ] odd sound. I was expecting more of a bang than the slow hiss thing. Okay, she's hooked up to my back tire there. I don't -- don't completely under -- so I'm gonna go back to the stump and see what the problem is, and walter just -- what I think had happened here is it's a change in technology. And I don't see any wires on the dynamite. And I figure they must be buried and they got disconnected somehow. Meanwhile, apparently what they have now is a wireless detonator... Which I know about now. So, uh, we decide to try again. The one stick apparently wasn't enough, so we're gonna put a few sticks in, but I'd forgotten that the dog was still out -- that went in the doghouse. And then -- so I figure this is probably our second stick there, and then again, I didn't -- for some -- seemed to have something against that tree. And now we've got three sticks of dynamite. Okay, now, that makes sense. And now we're all set. We figure three sticks of dynamite will get rid of that stump no problem. So walter presses the button. And what happens is roughly... Nothing. So he presses a few more times. Then stuff does happen. And that one went up real good, and you'll never guess. [ applause ] that's what we call mission accomplished. Okay, here comes a stick of dynamite in a dog named sparky. I'm outta here. [ applause ] this is the experts portion of the show, where we address those three little words that men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know! Ha! Ha! Okay. And here's a letter "dear experts... "men don't share. "men don't allow feelings out. "men don't talk about what matters. "and that's what makes us men so happy. "why aren't women more like us? Sincerely." well, my theory is that they just love to talk. Yes, I've said on many occasions -- well, maybe that's the way it is -- red... I'm talking. See, women don't understand sports or cars or machinery, so what else do they have to talk about? Just their feelings. Well, see, my theory is women talk more about their feelings because they have more of 'em. You know, you ask any of us guys how we're feelin', we're all feelin' fine. But a woman, holy mackerel. Those so many shades of different moods. Like, say, mike, you see that can of gas there? What colour would you say that is? Yeah, it's red. It's red. Okay, and dalton, what colour is that chair? Well, it's red. Okay, mike, that lantern? It's red! Well, exactly. Like, to us it's red, okay, but to bernice that there is ruby crimson; over here we've got tropical corral; and this unit would be wisp of tomato. Women know all the shades. Men are emotionally colour blind. Exactly. That's it exactly. You know, it must be awful having all those feelings. Well, see, this is it. They've got so many feelings, I'm afraid they're gonna explode. And that's why your best thing is just listen to a woman while she talks about her feelings, and be darned thankful that you're a guy. What do you do if they want you to share your feelings with them? You have to make up stuff. [ speaking haltingly ] just kinda... Talk -- talk slow. [ mimics whimpering ] a-a-nd t-t-take a lot of d-d-deep b-b-breaths. Wow! You almost teared up there! How'd you do that? Well, it helps if you sit on some ice tongs. [ applause ] [ grunting ] you ever notice that a lot of the heavy construction equipment has these stabilizing feet that go right down to the ground to stop the unit from tipping over? Some of them are strong enough to actually lift the unit up into the air. But I'm thinkin', you know, something like this could be real useful in a roadside emergency. [ metal creaking ] had to adapt her a little to fit my wheel studs, but we made it work. The key, of course, is to mount the foot upside down on there. I'll take her off once I'm out of the danger zone. Well, we put off our fishing trip until tomorrow, and we asked winston to come over so we can have a little chat with him about his alternate lifestyle. You know it's getting pretty serious when men have to talk to each other. Okay, I'm here. Um, please sit down. Wow, you know something? I really like what you guys have done with this place. Um, winston, uncle red and I have asked you here to -- just to talk and get a few things out in the open. Good, because it's kind of been bothering me too. I figure you'd say that. Yeah, it sort of threw me for a loop at first, but I think I've got my head around it now. I'm just a little sad you've been so secretive about it, red. It doesn't bother me that you're gay. W-well, pardon me? Well, c'mon. You know, lodge leader, all male members. You say you've got a wife, but no one's ever seen her. Yeah! Yeah! Oh, no, no, no. But look, look, look. Listen, it doesn't matter. We're all on the same team here. It's just that you bat from the other side of the plate. No, no, no, no. You're the switch hitter, winston, eh? Come on, huh? You're the one with the earring. What? Yeah, right there. What the? Oh, no. Okay, I remember. This isn't an earring. No, about a week ago I was doing a septic job, right? And this little girl had accidentally flushed her glitter pony doll down the toilet, right? Well, when the back pressure from the septic truck hit this thing, there was bits of glitter pony doll everywhere! Oh, for gosh sakes. I'm a little disappointed, though, that you'd assume that I would wear an earring. Oh, you know, you're right. I should have known it was a glitter pony that got caught in a toilet explosion. Well, you see how talking to each other is always the best way? You know what, winston? Just a little harmless misunderstanding. Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it. No, I'm good. I mean, I thought you were the gay one. But listen, if you ever muster up the courage to talk about it, I'm here for you. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, take him with you, will you, harold? Oh, boy. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And, uh, we had some questions about my orientation today. I'm hopin' we can get some answers tonight. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] everyone sit. Okay. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Okay, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. But I don't ever plan on changing that much. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com